Post by bill on Jan 5, 2007 14:11:48 GMT -5
SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes
because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die
in the hospital for the 1,387,258 th time.
I no long er have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot
day
Thanks to you, I have learned that
my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer
won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who
refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it
will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sa mple and rob
me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the
Salvation Army.
I no longer use Mary Kay, Lancôme or Estee Lauder lipstick because I could get lead
poisoning.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get
a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair
from Nike
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is
lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now
because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot
because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg.
Oh, and I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from c ertain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove
with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels
will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people
with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the
mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes
because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die
in the hospital for the 1,387,258 th time.
I no long er have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot
day
Thanks to you, I have learned that
my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer
won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who
refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it
will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sa mple and rob
me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the
Salvation Army.
I no longer use Mary Kay, Lancôme or Estee Lauder lipstick because I could get lead
poisoning.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get
a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair
from Nike
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is
lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now
because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot
because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg.
Oh, and I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from c ertain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove
with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels
will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people
with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the
mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late